Lessons in life come from times when you realize that things aren't what they seem.  Fun times in life come from times when you realize that things aren't what they seem.  Scary times in life come from times when you don't know if things are what they seem.  Hard times in life come when things turn out different than what they seemed.  Life isn't what it seems.  Life can seem that all is calm and all is great when we just never know what lurks around the corner.  Life can be calm one day and then come at you at all directions.  I've learned that all too well this year.  In fact, I've learned too many lessons this year.  More than I've wanted to.  Much more than I've wanted to.  I've faced more trouble than I ever thought I'd have to face. . . and all in a year.  I experienced more feeling this year than I've cared to feel, and I've also just been numb - feeling nothing.  I've tried to stay positive, but I have to admit that I haven't been successful with that attempt.

I really need to take some time and try to learn something from all that I've been through, but I have a hard time trying to reflect on everything.  I don't have the strength to even think about it all, but I NEED to.  I need to for my sanity.  I have so many questions. doubt. bitterness. fear. I hate being this person.  I've never been so negative and bitter in my life, and I have to find a way to forgive or forget . . . Forgive God for trying to take another brother away from me.  Forgive that b*#@! for trying to take my kids away from me.  Forget the fact that we're about to start making two huge house payments.  Forgive my boss for putting me through misery because his "best friend" works for me.  Forgive those who I thought were my friends for disappearing during the toughest year of my life.  (That will be a hard one because that has been the toughest part of all this!  It has been eye-opening to see old friends that I haven't heard from in years find me and those that I thought cared remain silent.  It hurts to know that the people I would've called my best friends a year ago probably only know one of the things I'm going through right now - and that is only because other people fill them in.  It has been a hard pill to swallow.)  Forgive my husband for not understanding what I'm going through.  Forgive myself for having these feelings that I don't think I should have and forget trying to be superwoman.  I don't think I can do all that.  I'm not strong enough.  But then again, if things aren't what they seem, then maybe I'm stronger than I seem . . . I pray that I am.

I'd like to think that I'm not all bitterness.  I am thankful for so many things.  I still have my brother even though it 'seemed' improbable, praise the Lord.  My kids are so wonderful.  I'm thankful that God has blessed us enough to provide for those payments.  And, I am truly blessed to be building the house that we are building and I do realize that God's timing is perfect for his will.  I love my job now that I've fired "the friend."  God has surprised me by showing me that friendships aren't what they seem . . . in both ways.  Even though I had friends that I feel have turned their back on me, I've found friends in places I hadn't thought to look before; friends that I know I could talk to.  Friends that have listened to me vent for the past year and won't judge me for writting something this bitter.  Friends that probably haven't read this far because they know what's going on in my life and they don't have to read my blog to find out.  I am thankful for my husband because he is understading with his "acts of service."  He has done so much for us this past year - I don't know if I'd have clean clothes or clean dishes by now if it weren't for him.  And, I have to be thankful for the strength to have made it this far.  It is definitely not my strength that I'm living on now.

Things aren't always what they seem, and in hard times like these that is a blessing . . . because there is something good coming out of all of this  . . . something that I just can't see yet.