Long ago, I came to see that If I had not had the experiences I had as a child I wouldn't have turned to abusing substance, relationships as a way to feel normal or alive. Some people think that addicts are after feeling good, but I think many are after feeling alive, what we might think normal feels like. For example I know that my drinking and drugging years, which also included sexual acting out and romantic addiction as well, paradoxically kept me sane and alive long enough to find some better ways of coping. I had many things to grieve and no support for doing so. I didn’t even know there were other ways of coping. I didn’t even know consciously that there was anything to cope with, because I’d stuffed my feelings down for so long and hard. The human psyche is a beautifully resourceful piece of work!
My intention Isn't to blame anyone here. It's just the truth. I know that my parents, teachers, grandparents, etc. were all doing the best they could with whatever skills they had. I was a crappy parent myself until I got help and learned how to do it differently! Thankfully, I improved with work and support. I see it as a challenge that belongs to all of us, not one person or group in particular.
Kids are amazingly resilient when they are allowed to process their feelIngs, whatever they may be, in a loving, supportive atmosphere. I’ve seen this over and over. But it's key that we're allowed to fully feel our feelings, be heard, accepted and loved through the process. 'Bad' things happen. Part of being human on the planet. We have a built in system of recovery from trauma, but our culture (most cultures) for the most part teaches us early on to bypass it, toughen up, get it together, be good, quiet, whatever.
My responsibility lies in the way I responded, but response of some kind was guranteed! Substance abuse and co-dependent relationships were a common response in my family. I’m sure that if I'd been supported to process the feelings around what happened to me then I wouldn't have been such a raging addict. It was almost in the scr i pt! I was taught, by direct consequence and by example, that it wasn't okay to feel what I was feeling, much less express it. I was rejected or ridiculed if I did. Rejection to a kid is a kind of death.
Of course, later I realized that these people were simply uncomfortable with what my feelIngs triggered for them and were dealing with it the only way they knew, which was to stop me. It wasn't true that there was anything wrong with my feelIngs, but as a kid I believed the message. What else could I think? That the grownups were wrong? Even though I have since learned the truth, those early imprints on the emotions are very strong, so I get triggered by situations that touch on that old shame, the belief that my feelIngs were wrong, I was bad to feel that way.
So most of us look for relief however we can, through attempts to control- others or ourselves. The pain has to go somewhere. We develop coping skills that get us through because otherwise we feel like we might die. As a child I was addicted to approval and sugar. As a teenager cigarettes, alcohol and any mood altering substance I could get my hands on. As a sober/clean adult I was hooked on relationships, approval, straight A’s, distractions of all kinds. All the time improving, learning, healing, expanding. When I started going through a period of loss bigger than any I'd ever known In my early 40's I 'discovered' gambling and turned to that to get me through until I was ready to face my world falling apart and all the feelIngs that brought up.
Now this doesn't mean I hadn't been doing the work earlier! The healing comes around at deeper levels. We get comfortable at the point that we've grown to and then life asks us to stretch some more. It can seem like the same old struggle but it isn't. We don't go in circles, we go in spirals, deeper and deeper into the truth of ourselves and our lives each time.
The way out of the cycle is through. We must give ourselves the support and love that we didn’t get when the original wounds were incurred. This can be seen this as a sort of 're-parenting' oneself. When we meet any state fully in the moment and find the love that's always there, we find that we don't need to 'fix' anything. It's just fine the way it is. And eventually it changes, like the weather. Sometimes the deeper, older wounds come up again and again, but they get gentler and our way with them easier. Deep sorrow is like this. It's when I suppress it that I'm in trouble. It sneaks up on me in destructive ways. Like an upset child that wants and deserves attention, when they’ve been ignored long enough they’re likely to act out ‘negatively’ to get the attention they need.
Our addictive behaviors are our broken hearts, our deepest love and joy crying out to be heard.
