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| NEW VIRUS ***CAUTION*** | " alt="" alignment="" border="" hspace="" vspace=""> | | Posted: 4/1/2008 at 05:52 | Read 56 times | 2 comments | Leave Comment |
 | NATAL ( SOUTH AFRICA ) CURRY CONTEST |
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.
For those of you who have lived in Natal, South Africa , you will know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off competition about June/July.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting
From America.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by
the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shxt, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.
CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pixxed from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I fxrted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pixxes me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shxt myself if I fxrt and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my xss with a snow cone ice-cream.
CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fxrted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.
| | | Posted: 3/26/2008 at 06:44 | Read 78 times | 1 comment | Leave Comment |
| Blonde Cookbook |
MONDAY It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper
WEDNESDAY A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..
FRIDAY I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
| | Posted: 3/20/2008 at 07:19 | Read 42 times | 3 comments | Leave Comment |
| Superpowers?? | Superman was bored. So he gave Batman a call. Batman said Robin was
ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he
fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to
see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he looked through
the window and saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.
Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I
could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was
happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew
off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No," said the Invisible Man, "but my arse hurts like hell!"
| | Posted: 3/18/2008 at 05:46 | Read 41 times | 3 comments | Leave Comment |
| just in time for St Patricks!!! |
Two Englishmen/businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a Thick Irish accent asked 'What are you selling' here.' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.' Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You are doing well ... Only two left!'
| | Posted: 3/17/2008 at 13:05 | Read 42 times | 2 comments | Leave Comment |
| Good day everyone, |
Good day everyone,
May this encourage you always.
Don't spend major time with minor people. If there are people in your
life
that continually disappoint you, break promises, stomp on your dreams,
too
judgmental, have different values and don't give their backing during
difficult times...that is not a friend.
To have a friend, be a friend. Sometimes in life as you grow, your
friends
will either grow or go. Surround yourself with people who
reflect values, goals interests and lifestyle.
When I think of any of my successes, I am thankful to GOD from whom all
blessings flow, and to my family and friends that enrich my life.
Over the years my phone book has changed because I changed for the
better.
At first you think you're going to be alone, but after a while new
people
show up in your life that make your life so much sweeter and
easier to endure.
Remember what your elders used to say, "Birds of a feather flock
together. If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens:
Chickens Can't Fly!
Be Positive - Be Progressive - Take the time to make a positive difference in someone's
life
Walk by faith
Not by sight
| | Posted: 3/12/2008 at 14:25 | Read 47 times | 1 comment | Leave Comment |
| tickle me !! | There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for
her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing
up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's al l over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Lena .
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. | | Posted: 2/29/2008 at 15:45 | Read 43 times | 1 comment | Leave Comment |
| I CAN READ IT! CAN YOU ???? |
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
| | Posted: 2/26/2008 at 07:49 | Read 47 times | 2 comments | Leave Comment |
| A WOMANS POEM . | He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the s**t out of him...
Like his mother used to do. | | Posted: 2/22/2008 at 01:31 | Read 87 times | 4 comments | Leave Comment |
| BUILT TO LAST | "
I've looked for love in stranger places,
But never found someone like you.
Someone whose smile makes me feel I've been holding back,
And now there's nothing I can't do.
'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
But most of all it's built to last.
All of our friends saw from the start.
So why didn't we believe it too?
Whoa yeah, now look where you are.
You're in my heart now.
And there's no escaping it for you.
'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
But most of all it's built to last.
Walking on the hills that night with those fireworks and candlelight
You and I were made to get love right
'Cause this is real, and this is good.
It warms the inside just like it should,
But most of all it's built to last.
'Cause you are the sun in my universe,
Considered the best when we've felt the worst
And most of all it's built to last.
(song and lyrics by Melee) | | Posted: 2/19/2008 at 01:25 | Read 55 times | 3 comments | Leave Comment |
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| Doubletrouble | | 
"dont fix it when it aint broken :p" |
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