From IMDB: "FBI
agent Jennifer Marsh is tasked with hunting down a seemingly
untraceable serial killer who posts live videos of his victims on the
Internet. As time runs out, the cat and mouse chase becomes more
personal."
I'm
very surprised that this was "R" rated. It has very little gore and the
methods that the psycho uses to kill his victims are more akin to
something out of "Batman" than "Saw".
To
say that "Untraceable" is derivative is an understatement. There is
nothing here that you haven't already seen done in another film and
done a lot better too. Even the laughable techno-babble of "Hackers" is
included. I'm just surprised that they didn't have big glowing screens
with the words projected on the faces of the computer users as well.
Without
giving too much away, there were some huge plot holes in this which
unintentionally made it more of a comedy to me than a thriller. Why,
for instance, didn't the police just shut the power down to the city
for a few hours? That would certainly have screwed-up the evil genius'
death machines and his internet connection especially if he was using a
laptop. There's no way his battery life would have lasted longer than
30 minutes with all that nonsense hooked up to it.
Another
thing was how come the clever FBI internet woman didn't have a firewall
and virus checker on her home computer? More to the point, what the
hell was she doing letting her 8 year old play games on it in the first
place? It totally ruined the credibility of the character just to put
in a pointless filler scene in of the psycho stalking the little girl
with a webcam. Does nobody think these things through when they make a
film? Obviously not.
Anyway,
I really didn't see this as a real horror film at all. It reminded me a
lot of "Copycat" for some reason especially as it uses one or two set
pieces that all the other "cop v. serial killer" films have. As a
thriller, I suppose it's entertaining but it's just not original enough
to be memorable. 2 out of 10.
From IMDB: "The
remake of the Hong Kong film "Jian Gui", a woman who receives an eye
transplant that allows her to see into the supernatural world."
The biggest problem with "The Eye" is not that it is a
remake of one of the most insipid and dull Hong Kong supernatural
thrillers ever made, "Gin Gwai" but that it isn't any improvement over
the original either.
The consensus appears to be that this
film is just boring. Boring isn't a strong enough word to describe it
though. It's tedious, dragged out, and makes you want to stab yourself
with a fork to stay awake for the 97 minutes running time just in case
anything happens at all.
I watched the original a few years ago
and didn't really like it so I was hoping that there was going to be
some new angle to this. Unfortunately, apart from changing the
locations, the names of the characters and a few subtle plot
differences, it was actually worse.
I can't blame the actors for
this one. Jessica Alba is alright to look at and there is no doubt that
she can act and look worried really well. The story here was just so
thin and the dialogue was so bad that nobody could have made any more
of it. Alessando Nivola however plays such an unconvincing doctor that
I would actually dread to have someone like him involved in any
post-surgical recovery process in real life. Shouting at your patients
and telling them that they are wrong a couple of days after they've had
cornea transplants is not a good bedside manner!
There
were a couple of moments where I thought that things would pick up. A
jump scare involving an oven fell flat though and the others
disintegrated into horrible messes of CGI. There was no tension, no
suspense, just no atmosphere whatsoever. It could have been a daytime
TV show about boiled eggs for all the emotional impact it had.
The ending was just like a deleted scene from "Final Destination". The whole movie
is supposed to build up to this final act as an explanation of why
Sydney Wells is seeing things in the first place but it just felt
tagged on and was very rushed. It didn't really make any difference
though because I'd already written this whole film off after the first
ten minutes anyway.
I'm not sure if anyone would like this film.
It's not going to appeal to fans of the original and for older horror
fans it's just like a very bad version of "Eye" from "Body Bags"
(1993). It's very dated and dull. That's a terrible way for a new film
to be.
From IMDB: "An experiment in genetic engineering turns harmless sheep
into blood-thirsty killers that terrorize a sprawling New Zealand farm."
This was the most amusing animal based horror-comedy that I've seen since "Revenge of Billy the Kid" (1991).
It was silly when it needed to be silly and gory where it needed to be
gory. It wasn't laugh out loud funny at any point nor was it even the
slightest bit scary but it was filmed beautifully and acted perfectly.
Even the orchestral background music worked. It's a very classy product
which pretends to be just another B movie.
I don't usually even like horror-comedies but, since the humour in this
was so gentle, it wasn't ruined by the over-the-top comedy excesses of
something like the awful "Shaun of the Dead".
Everyone will
undoubtedly compare "Black Sheep" to Simon Pegg's efforts though it is
really better to see this as in the same vein as old school Peter
Jackson. I suppose that is no big surprise since not only is it a New
Zealand film but the effects were created by Peter Jackson's Weta
workshop.
Anyway, the story was just as ridiculous as you would imagine any film
about zombie sheep to be. There were even a few mutating were-sheep
thrown in as well due to the nature of the DNA altering serum which caused all the trouble to begin with. I'm sure there was supposed to be
some comment there about genetic research and New Zealand sheep farming
but this was hardly hardcore political satire. Every possible sheep
joke was used anyway even the baaaad ones.
The action sequences were all really well done. The gore was nice and
visceral with lots of blood and guts everywhere. The sound of
stampeding sheep in the distance created a nice bit of atmosphere from
time to time although there wasn't really any tension or suspense to
speak of.
I couldn't really find any other fault with it except
that sometimes the sheep looked a bit too fake so I'm giving it 8 out
of 10. It did exactly what it set out to do and I found it all very
entertaining.
Plot (from Flixster): "Revolves around a monster attack in New York as told from the point of view of a small group of people."
I just watched it online and I absolutely hated it. It's just "The Blair Witch Project" but in New York with monsters.
Not
only was it yet another kiddie-rated PG-13 unscary monster film but it
sucked on all levels. The acting was pure Hollywood drama school stuff
where everyone pauses and tries to convey as much emotion as possible
with eyes and teeth before delivering a line, the dialogue was poor and
as unrealistic as could be, and the camerawork was so bad that I
imagine a lot of people would throw up in the movie theatres or suffer
some kind of epileptic seizure from all the whirling and spinning.
It
was 18 minutes of wedding party, 30 minutes of "Oh my god... oh my
god... oh my god... oh my god... boom... bang... shriek... boom... oh
my god... oh my god", and then the rest was all "Run... oh my god...
shriek... boom.... rarrrr... boom... boom... shriek... bang... run...
run... oh my god... rarrrrr... oh my god... oh my god.... oh my god...
boom..."
I give it 1 out of 10 for the ability to con so many
people into watching it. It's just another crappy motion sickness
inducing shaky cam film with about 5 seconds of CGI monster in it. It's
more overhyped and poorly executed rubbish!
I can see it being used for the "Oh my god" drinking game in future though. Alcoholics will love it!
*** SPOILER ***
After
the end credits there's a message on a walkie-talkie which sounds like
"Help us!". If it's recorded and played backwards (as some people have
already done) it says, "It's still alive!" I hope that doesn't mean
that there will be a sequel to this s**tty thing.
Plot from Flixster: "A psychological horror story that begins when a neglected teenager,
named Heather, is dropped off by her parents at a remote all-girls
boarding school deep in the forest. Watched over by sinister head...( read more )mistress
Ms. Traverse and her staff, Heather is tormented by her classmates and
is desperate to go home. But when students start disappearing and she
begins to have horrifying visions, Heather realizes that things at
school are not quite what they seem. She only knows there's something
out there in the woods - and it won't be letting her leave anytime soon."
This is now the best horror movie that I've seen not just this year but
for many years. I don't understand why this turned out to be a straight
to DVD release as it's certainly good enough for a theatrical
distribution.
I can't find enough good things to say about this at
all. Not only does it do for witches what "Ginger Snaps" did for
werewolves but everything is perfectly executed from the 1960s period
setting to the outstanding acting by everyone involved.
The
director, Lucky McKee, was also responsible for the more lacklustre
"May" but don't hold that against him. This time he really got
everything right. Again, he has used a very strong lead, Agnes
Bruckner, and she will definitely enchant you (pun intended)
throughout.
It has a sufficiently spooky atmosphere, great characterisation, a good storyline and excellent gore scenes at the end.
Don't
believe anyone who writes bulls**t comments about this being
"derivative" and "unoriginal". Yes, it does have similarilties to
"Carrie", "The Initiation of Sarah" and a great many others but it
does it all so much better and mixes the elements in a far more
entertaining way. You'll be drawn in so much by it that you won't even
notice the "clichés" that the nitpickers like to point out.
The
plot is indeed also similar to "Suspiria" but only in the way that
"Suspiria" is the same as "Rosemary's Baby", i.e. they both have a
coven of witches involved. But whereas "Suspiria" is an unwatchable
boring crapfest, this is a much smoother affair and much more enjoyable
in every way.
Plot (from Flixster): "When a group of tourists on a New Orleans haunted swamp tour find
themselves stranded in the wilderness, their evening of fun and spooks
turns into a horrific nightmare."
Once again from the IMDB: "French college students, Marie and Alex head to Alex's secluded farmhouse in hopes of studying for their exams without distractions. While settling in, A man breaks into the home and brutally murders Alex's family while Marie tries to hide herself from the killer. When the killer binds and kidnaps Alex, Marie follows him as an attempt of saving her friend and along the way, runs into some dangerous obstacles."
The trouble with "Haute Tension" (High Tension) or "Switchblade Romance" (as the badly dubbed version is called in the UK) is that it has a twist at the end which renders the whole thing completely ludicrous.
For those of you who have never seen it, "Haute Tension" is 20 minutes girlie boredom, 60 minutes of full-on family-massacring splatter, and 10 minutes of ridiculous (yet not wholly unexpected) denouement showing the whole thing to be caused by some kind of repressed lesbian urge.
Now I may be alone in this but Cécile De France who plays Marie (and with herself at one point!) is absolutely gorgeous and makes the toothy Maïwenn Le Besco (who plays the object of her affection Alex ) look very plain in comparison. Well, that's until the final minutes anyway. The whole thing could have just been so easily avoided if someone had gone up to Marie and said, "You know, you could do so much better!"
But anyway, the plot as it stands is nothing that you haven't seen before in things like "Identity" and even, dare I mention the crap, "Bikini Party Massacre". I've got a feeling that all three are probably based on a far better movie that they've all lifted the twist from but I've yet to work out which one exactly it was. Alexandre Aja, the director, isn't exactly known for doing anything original anyway as his main claim to fame is the awful remake of "The Hills Have Eyes" and the new version of "Piranha"!!!
If you pay close attention to the plot you will also spot lots of holes that will make you even more angry when everything is revealed. Lots of things are just not explained which means that you should probably never go back and watch it again as it just doesn't hold up to that kind of scrutiny at all.
The gore set pieces are quite impressive though with gallons of blood spurting everywhere. The only weak point is the shotgun death of the annoying little boy which you don't get to see. Mind you, you don't get to see the St. Bernard dog go to stinky dog heaven either which is an even bigger disappointment.
I don't think you'll be scared by this unless you are some kind of complete wussypants. It's not exactly "Ils" for tension or scares though the beginning is in the same vein.
My rating is 3 out of 10. I wish there'd been more characterisation and maybe some spurned but attempted lesbian advances to explain why any of this occurs at all. The cause of the whole thing is never properly explained.
From the IMDB: "The Hamiltons seem to be an ordinary American family, living in a small town in Northern California and dealing with the problems of everyday life. They've also been recently adjusting to the untimely death of their parents. David Hamilton, the oldest, has taken it upon his shoulders to pick up the responsibility for the orphaned family. Twins Wendell and Darlene are darker than the other two siblings and have become more conniving in the past few months. The youngest and most sensitive of the family is Francis. Francis recently found an old video camera his parents owned, and is using it to work on a school project about his family. It's through Francis' eyes that we soon get to know the Hamiltons and realize that there are much more disturbing elements lurking below the surface of 'ordinary'."
First of all it has nothing to do with a certain Diddy DJ from Radio Two or those awful wannabe celebrity people that Louis Theroux interviewed. No, this was even worse!
There were hardly any gore scenes although a lot was implied, the camerawork was all over the place and very distracting, and not one of the cast seems to know how to act. The back story of the family was given with a voiceover at the start and that always annoys me too... but even more disappointment was to come.
It tried to be a cross between the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and a "thinking man's horror" but was just very slow and crap. It also had the potential for some "Hostel"-like torture moments but none of that was realised and the couple of sexy scenes were hardly envigorating either. Even the gothicky looking sister did nothing for me.
When I looked this up on the IMDB, the only horrific thing that this film provided was that so many people seem to like it. Even as an independent film it's still scraping the bottom of the barrel. "The Hamiltons" was, of course, one of the "8 movies to die for" that got so hyped by Fangoria (among others) because of the "After Dark Horror Fest". If this was really a movie to die for then kill me now and put me out of my misery because I don't want to see the other 7!!!
Spoiler for ya: They turn out to be vampires and the thing locked up in the cupboard is just a chubby little boy who is their younger brother.
Just don't bother watching it. It's s**t. My rating: 0 out of 10.
I am once again going to use the IMDB plot outline as this one pretty much tells you the entire story too: "Guy Cooley moves to an old farm in Princeton with his wife Jeanne Cooley and their two daughters, Molly and Lucy, to build eight windmills to generate clean power to the city. He was hired by the local Samantha Porter, who owns with her relative Jonas Dodd the lands in the woods where the facility will be built. The Cooley family has a cold reception in town, and while voting for the approval of the project, the old woman Gretchen Caswell votes against the construction with many followers and mentions the historic importance of the spot and the name of Martha. Jeanne researches and discloses that two hundred and fifty years ago, a girl called Lucy Keyes got lost in the woods and in spite of the efforts of her mother Martha Keyes and the locals, she was never found. When the ghost of Martha comes to the fields around their property calling for Lucy, Jeanne realizes that the legend is true and that there are many hidden secrets in that location."
So it was supposed to be a ghost story based on true events. You can click here to read the legend. It was also probably the most boring hour and a half of my life too in spite of writing this review at the same time. It's just not a horror film by any stretch of the imagination.
It took until an hour and 10 minutes in before the only interesting part of the story occurred which is the confession to the murder of Lucy Keyes. Up until then it was just like a boring "made for TV" movie with everyone having weird flashback dreams and shouting "Lucy, Lucy!" over and over again.
It was nice to see that Julie Delpy hasn't really aged much since "An American Werewolf in Paris" and that Brooke Adams has (and badly!) but neither of them can act anyway.
It was filmed well and probably makes all the Americans who know the legend quite pleased that it was committed to film even if in such an inept, unscary and completely unsatisfying manner.
It just didn't do anything for me except make me want to kick the telly in every time another character said the name "Lucy" especially in the last 10 minutes (plus the horrendous song over the end credits!). I am however thinking it could be useful for a "drinking game" for serious boozers. You'd die of alcohol poisoning though if you were to attempt more than a sip for every time you hear, "Lucy, Lucy, Lucy!"
So that's another 0 out of 10 from me. Leave it on shelf unless that you think that "An American Haunting" was a really good film too.
According to the IMDB: "Mischa and Hannibal, baby brother and sister, are inseparable; it is their love for each other that ties their bond. Their companionship is forever binding, until, with their family, while hiding from the Nazi war machine a twisted set of circumstance sets the pace for a most vicious attack on the future of one Hannibal Lecter for the sworn vengeance for the brutal killing of his baby sister. Years later, we find Hannibal, the teenager, setting up in Paris, and living with his aunt Lady Murasaki Shikibu and studying at medical school here he finds his forte. Still searching for his sister's murderers, still bitter and still ever hopeful of satisfying his desire for retribution. This chance arrives, and soon we are to learn that for a pound of flesh lost a pound of flesh must be repaid. This is the horrific tale of justice and honor, a young man's growing pains that will have the guilty paying with more than just flesh and bone. This is the up and rising tale of the young Hannibal, prey you do not meet him, for meat you shall be to him. Taste his wroth."
Apart from having to use the subtitles because some of the dodgy fake accents were a bit difficult to understand at times, I thoroughly enjoyed this prequel.
I think a lot of girls will probably fancy the young Hannibal Lecter as played by Gaspard Ulliel even though he's French. He didn't do much for me as I preferred Li Gong (or Gong Li?) but can still see how he gave a sinister performance more worthy of the late Anthony Perkins rather than Anthony Hopkins. You shouldn't expect this film to be anything like "The Silence of the Lambs" unless you want to be very disappointed though.
I felt a bit cheated that there wasn't a nice bit of rumpy-pumpy with Lady Murasaki even though there was a lot of onscreen sexual tension evident but I suppose that wouldn't have actually helped the story along any better. In fact, there were no sex scenes whatsoever which is always a shame.
It wasn't particularly gory either (and certainly wasn't scary!) but it was a damn good story. Maybe I'm now too hardened to nastiness in horror films but I didn't find any of Hannibal's acts of revenge all that satisfying. I did still enjoy them in a "James Bond violence" kind of way though. I've never liked Rhys Ifans anyway so it pleased me enormously when he got his just desserts (and so did Hannibal!).
In fact, now that I think about it, "Hannibal Rising" really did have more in common with a James Bond action film than a horror-thriller as much of the story involved travelling to different Eastern European countries, gathering information and executing the bad guys. As you know, I love all the Soviet Russian stuff anyway so I found the setting of these scenes very interesting. It was fun to read all the signs in Cyrillic too.
I'll rate it as 7 out of 10. It really needed to be a lot gorier to be classed as a real horror film but it was still something to get your teeth into... with some fava beans and a nice chianti of course.
From the IMDB: "The Hamiltons seem to be an ordinary American family, living in a small town in Northern California and dealing with the problems of everyday life. They've also been recently adjusting to the untimely death of their parents. David Hamilton, the oldest, has taken it upon his shoulders to pick up the responsibility for the orphaned family. Twins Wendell and Darlene are darker than the other two siblings and have become more conniving in the past few months. The youngest and most sensitive of the family is Francis. Francis recently found an old video camera his parents owned, and is using it to work on a school project about his family. It's through Francis' eyes that we soon get to know the Hamiltons and realize that there are much more disturbing elements lurking below the surface of 'ordinary'."
I think a lot of girls will probably fancy the young Hannibal Lecter as played by Gaspard Ulliel even though he's French. He didn't do much for me as I preferred Li Gong (or Gong Li?) but can still see how he gave a sinister performance more worthy of the late Anthony Perkins rather than Anthony Hopkins. You shouldn't expect this film to be anything like "The Silence of the Lambs" unless you want to be very disappointed though.
